I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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