Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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