Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
