i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
