and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
Who put my cat in the fridge?
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
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