are you still at the devil's house?
Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
