Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
My penis needs a shock collar
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Randomize
