Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
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