The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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