btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
