It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Randomize
