If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
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