I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Randomize
