My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
