buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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