I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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