DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Randomize
