i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
