Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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