dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Randomize
