why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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