Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
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