sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Randomize
