You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
