I looked at my own cervix.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Randomize
