I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Randomize
