Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
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