I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Randomize
