One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
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