The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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