Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Randomize
