note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
