Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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