you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Randomize
