So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
These tits shall not be calmed
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
