dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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