my room smells like sperm. sweet.
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
