I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
