Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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