Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Randomize
