and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
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