Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
