He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
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