just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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