Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
