Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Randomize
