Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
