my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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