enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
