No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Less talking, more tequila
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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