Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Randomize
