burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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