1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Randomize
