Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
